Silly

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“Love is what we are born with,
Fear is what we have learned”

Marianne Williamson

Fear, that is all there is to it. An all encompassing fear. Fear that the mind rules the heart more than it should. Fear of love that makes you cut pieces of yourself to fit their ideal, fear of never belonging, never being accepted. Fear of change, fear of uncertainty.

All the inane little fears like sudden jump scares, when somebody gets injured in front of my eyes, the way speed makes me clench my jaw and renders me immobile, a stranger standing too close. Fear of telling him that his eyes haunt my dreams and getting it dismissed like it means nothing. Fear of this mind, the way it shuts off, the way in a fight-flight situation, it freezes.

Fear forcing me to hold on tight, same fear making me let go. Fear of his pretty eyes following my every movement as I trip and fall all over the place, so I try to divert myself by focusing on what to do with my hands.Β  Fear that someone will read my personal journal and consider me downright psychotic. Fear of vicious people who only sap my energy, make me feel terrible about my flaws and always keep weighing me on their broken moral scale.

Fear of hurting someone I really love, seeing them break down because of me and putting that all too familiar pain in their eyes. Don’t we say, “How can you hurt someone you are supposedly in love with ever? Don’t you heal in love?” That fear whenever I see a cute crawly drowning in a puddle, moving me to save the little guy, drying it out in the sun and sending it off on its merry, adventurous way.

Fear for my favorite asshole character when some misfortune befalls him or he doesn’t get his girl. Fear of getting attached because untangling myself rips me open and makes me extremely vulnerable. Fear of being too transparent, with each and every emotion etched on my face. Fear of never finding him, never getting to feel him, never hearing his laugh, never getting a chapter in his life. Fear of tearing him out of mine.

Fear of silence growing louder when I don’t want to be alone. Fear of gas cylinder blowing the roof straight off my head, fear of finding my favorite Goosebumps series eaten by moths or torn to pieces. Fear of lending a book, never to get it back. Fearing my mum, if she finds out that I am not drinking hot milk, skipping my meds when I catch a bug and staying up way too late writing this in the bitter cold, occasionally staring at the dark horizon till I fall asleep, all my winter thrills in one.

26 thoughts on “Silly

      1. You’re welcome. As a boy I was so mesmerized by the television show, β€œKung Fu” that it had a serious impact that has lasted throughout my life. It inspired me to engage in martial arts and is often a source of stillness and courage to help get through difficult times. I’m very glad you enjoyed it.

        Peace.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well, I know a little bit of taekwondo, basically was made to do it by my sports teacher as a kid. Used to get bruised eyes and cramps way too much but I get the point of it being a source of courage. Helped me not to be a sore loser and gave a healthy balance. Thank for sharing πŸ’™

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Any time. Taekwando is an interesting discipline. I started with Judo, dropped out for a few years, then got back into it with mixed martial arts, basically Brazilian Jujitsu and Muay Thai. Then I studied some Ninjitsu on my own.

        Peace. πŸ’œ

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’ve learned once that fear is best overcome by bold genuinity, after all masks fall off, everything that was conditioned in us vanquished – it disappears. Otherwise there would be no pioneers, no conquests, no heroes and heroines. To boldly imagine, to genuinely be – “know thyself”, stand your ground. It is not even courage, courage is overcoming something you fear or overcoming something that is feared by others. It is that natural flow of self-assertion that makes your fearless.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree, we are conditioned to fear, it is deeply rooted and I tend to avoid things which usually brings me heart palpitations amongst so many things!!! But looking at self assertion as one way to overcome it is quite a nice way. To be brave, genuine, strong. Quite a nice way of looking at this. Courage might momentarily abate fears but self assertion will make you fearless. Thank you so much for this πŸ’™

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey, death is inevitable and I might have made my peace with it. But living an inadequate life, spiralling into a chasm from where there is no return, that scares me. And I also get your point, it’s a strange notion, we fear an unkown entity i.e. death, and all fear leads to this. Pretty profound πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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