This Benign Sickness

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I stumbled upon the sickness inside my head,
Far from perfect,
My flaws were ugly,
They weren’t physical
but went deeper and marred my soul.

Tendency to hurt
break
and
leave
came easy

My inability to feel remorse
My inability to hold on
My inability to bond
Got me worried sick

Some part of me felt buried
Gasping, choking and dying

So, when push came to shove
I tried to feel
something
anything

That’s the thing
when it is not meant to be
However hard you try
You cannot hold onto it

So,
I let it go,
Severed it, damaged it, cauterized it
Didn’t look back
while the other end
Bled all over the place

They say Karma is vengeful
maybe inability to love
is mine

In the end,
When everything crumbles
and fades out
I’d be lost
In the world inside my head
where nothing can touch me

A self-imposed prison
where no one can find me

Lost and faded
obscure and out of reach
I would embrace my sickness,
Hold it tight
Cause maybe it is the only
thing that makes me feel alive!

36 thoughts on “This Benign Sickness

  1. Ok, thanks! Since i made some really important discoveries about myself that have really helped me, i’m just kind of in the habit of throwing these ideas out sometimes where i see that maybe they’ll help somebody else. I recently met somebody who described themselves as having BPD, and I’m doing a course about autism for myself where i learned that autism in females is often mistaken for BPD. So, things are always complex, but anyways i related to some of your feelings in the poem and my heart goes out to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing these ideas!! It’s actually pretty complex to deal with emotions and psyche in general and it’s always a thin line. Glad you can relate to my feelings and what I was Trying to write. Thank u πŸ’™πŸ’™

      Like

    1. Absolutely Not, I don’t mind at all!!! Tbh, I wrote this during a weird phase. I was unable to emotionally connect with people, struggling with my own anxieties and dealing with lot of angst. I do have some narcisstic traits, but moreover I wrote this as a reminder not to shut people off or I’ll just end up alone in my head which is a scary place πŸ™‚ thanks for reading πŸ’™

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Plus don’t worry, I haven’t done all that to anyone. It just came out of angst. I write without actually associating with any of that. I write by observing other people and then personalizing it. Hence, it’s all a work of fiction and open to your interpretation πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s good to know. I’m not worried just found it very intriguing. Like I said I feel as though I am reading something my husband could have written… It’s kinda helping me to understand the mind of a narcissist and helping me understand how painful and lonely it must be to be him.

        Liked by 1 person

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